Since that worst nightmare in October 2016, the world became “black & white” to me. I managed to convince myself that life is still beautiful… as beguiling as it can be, in the black & white world that I’m living in.
My career, chapel service, dates with my mother and occasional meet-up with friends made me overly busy that grief took the back seat, far back where I wanted it to be. I had to be “strong” — because I want to. There were few times that I just wanted to drop from the world, go somewhere far and reconnect with myself — cry my heart out perhaps… but “there’s no time for that.”
This year I turned 37, without my father. I already lost that one man who loved me for who I am and who I’m not. That person who never told me that he loved me and yet I know that he did — wholeheartedly. That person who never greeted me “happy birthday” but always made sure there’s something prepared on my special day because he knew that I am so much like him. I like to have loved ones around — as often as possible. Feeding people and “partying” was what I’ve always wanted to do on my birthday. Losing my father changed that, at least for now…
I planned to go somewhere far but it didn’t materialize so I just thought of letting the day pass as ordinarily as it can be by not telling my chapel family my plans and whereabouts. I refused to give in to my uncles who insisted that we celebrate. I just wanted to be alone…but, I made sure that I get to be with my mom for mother’s day and slept over at my parents’ home so Mommy was the first person who greeted me when I woke up. I went to visit Daddy too and on our way to the cemetery we accidentally saw my dad’s god-son, that one person whose loyalty to Daddy was unsurpassable. At that instant, I knew my dad sent me his birthday greetings.
I managed to spend time at my “comfort-crying place” over the years and shared a meal and conversation with a friend whom I have not seen for a while. But, the day didn’t go as planned because “my other mom” didn’t let the day pass just like that. I had to celebrate. It was bittersweet… I am happy and thankful because once again I was reminded that there are a handful of people who love me despite how unlovable I can be at times. That I am blessed to be a part a big extended family united by faith and love for God.
Now is the time that I have to admit, I am still grieving… I wanted to not to, but I guess deep wounds really take longer to heal… especially when you’re “diabetic.” Despite that pain and sadness that sometimes occupies a big part of my heart , I can clearly see that the beauty in this black & white world that I live in comes from God up above… that no matter how dark the world can get, His light shines so bright at times when it is needed the most and that no matter how difficult life can get, He will never abandon humanity.
He made sure that am always reminded of His love by giving me an awesome family and “chosen family” who can see beyond the smiles and laughter… the people who care for me so much that they understand my unspoken messages…
Tonight, a wonderful lady told me… “I want you to be happy. You take care…” I said, “I am happy Tita!” Then I saw her flashed the most lovely smile and then said, “Hindi. Talaga. I want you to be happy. You take care!” then hugged me tight. GOD bless her heart. I had to use up all my energy to stop myself from sobbing. 🙂 I must have done something right to deserve all these love that I’m getting… I am more than grateful that God blessed me with so much love, it can be overwhelming at times, nevertheless truthfully appreciated.
Life can be beautiful even if it is not colorful. Truly, “beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder” because we can only see real beauty if we look at life with so much LOVE and TRUST in GOD.
Sometimes “black & white” is more beautiful…